This is a thing: you are telling a story that you think is funny. However, the story you are telling is not in fact funny, but you do not know this. You do not know this because you do not have the frame of reference to understand that the topic is not funny. And your only clue would be the growing discomfort of the person you’re telling the story to, but you don’t notice that either, or you notice it too late. You know something went wrong with the anecdote but not what. The other person also lacks the frame of reference to let you know that the topic is not funny and may not be able to tell you WHY the anecdote was not funny.
The thing is, this doesn’t happen every time you tell a funny story to someone! Sometimes, people seem to understand that the story is funny! What you don’t understand however is that you and that new person may share the same frame of reference. You both understand that the story was supposed to be funny even if the contents of the story made the first person you told it to stare at you like you were an axe murderer.
So, you don’t pick up on it. You don’t get that the story you were telling was objectively not funny, because sometimes people laugh! Sometimes they know the story was meant to be funny! So you don’t think about the times where the same story was definitely not funny and you don’t think about the negative reaction you got to the story. Those other people must not have a sense of humor, that personal anecdote about how funny it was when your dad got mad and stuck his fist through a wall and it got stuck in the plaster was absolutely hilarious! Dad looked so confused! Sure, it was scary at the time, but after the fact it was hilarious!
Yeah. This is somewhat based on personal experiences. I have in the past told personal anecdotes that I thought were funny. Only, it turned out I was telling stories that were mildly to extremely horrifying. In at least one case I was told to “stop dwelling on your abuse it’s not healthy.” And I was completely unaware that I’d been telling a anecdote about something that was actually upsetting, or that I was experiencing “abuse.” (The batshit of my childhood seemed normal to me. I had no clue the anecdotes were upsetting, at least partly due to autism but also simply from thinking every family had toxicity like this.)
Humor is a way to cope with stressful situations. Sometimes the stressful situation is a family member having a meltdown and sticking their fist in the wall. People who have been through objectively traumatic experiences will tell horrific jokes about it. Sometimes they do not know that the experience was traumatic, because their level of “normal” is that much different from someone else’s level of “normal.” (The scare quotes are because “normal” is extremely subjective. I mean, someone people think taking the door off their kid’s bedroom is “normal.” They are wrong, and deserve the lack of trust and distance they get from their kids as a result, but some people think that’s normal, and will repeat this unto the next generation.) Sometimes they are aware the experience was traumatic, and are seeking to reduce the effect the trauma continues to have on them.
Now, that’s the anecdotal section done with. Let’s bring this around to writing. In both “pro” fiction and “fan” fiction the typical character suffering from abuse-related trauma is generally meek and in desperate need of comfort. Very seldom do you get completely feral shitheels. Or characters who engage in inappropriate humor to cover their trauma, to weaken its hold on them, or because they don’t realize that their experience was traumatizing. (Yes it’s possible to not realize you were abused. You get habituated to the environment and you get to thinking that it’s situation normal.) We desperately need the latter two, because there are way too many “model victims” who are sweet and sad and in need of comfort. We need more assholes, frankly. People who have terrible and maladaptive coping mechanisms. People who are extremely toxic because of abuse and make fun of the concept of physical and emotional abuse (because getting beaten up by their parents worked so well for them).
Inappropriate Humor and especially Humorous Anecdotes That Are Actually Pretty Awful are good ways to indicate that the character has experienced trauma. Show that they’ve made the person they’re talking to uncomfortable. Or have the other person express concern while the story teller is baffled or dismissive. (And possibly also offended that the other person didn’t realize that the Humorous Anecdote was funny.)
Let me double down on this point: the trick with inappropriate humor is to make it clear that the humor is inappropriate. That is, horrified reactions on the part of the listener, confusion or other upset on the part of the teller. You want to ask if the story is going to be about the teller slowly coming to understand that the humor is inappropriate and why. (This doesn’t necessarily mean that the teller has to stop doing it. Sometimes inappropriate humor is the only appropriate humor.) You want to ask how the character is going to react and what if anything they’re going to do about it. (Also, take into consideration that some of your audience may be also be unaware that someone being enraged enough to slam their fist into a wall isn’t particularly funny, no matter how startled someone may have looked when they did it.)
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