Aliens have tried to conquer Earth over and over again, to no avail. Your empire is the latest to try it, and despite all your technology, you finally discover why Earth has never been conquered by alien empires.
Lord Admiral Skirat of the Eighteen Imperial Fleet of the Hyborid Empire wakes up with a headache like thunder and a feeling as if his sinuses had been filled with epoxy. There were tubes up his nose and down his throat, and he realized with horror, more sensitive places. In addition, there was a needle in one of his arms that jabbed a bit when he startles, and machinery by his bedside.
The room was blandly decorated, and there was some kind of entertainment device quietly playing and animated serial adventure. (He did not know this particular language, but from the animation, the story seemed to involve a demon with a flute.) Skirat is briefly distracted by the program, and so startles when there is a knock on the door, which opens slightly. “Hello Admiral,” a stiff, toneless voice says in Hyborid. “How are you feeling?”
Even through the stiffness, there is a strange sort of friendliness and humor. “Like I was flattened by an airship landing on me,” Skirat says.
The owner of the voice laughs sympathetically, and enters the room. A human, in an environmental suit. It was a very advanced suit, tight fitting and flexible, with its own oxygen supply. The technology was much more advanced than what he’d been told to expect.
“Only an airship? You’ll be on your feet in no time then,” the human says. “You’re lucky we got to you in time. This virus has a ridiculous mortality rate, and it mutated fast.”
“Biological warfare,” Skirat says in horrified realization. It wasn’t an unheard of weapon, but it was against several compacts between space faring polities. “That’s how you defeat your enemies.” Though it really didn’t explain why the humans turned around and apparently cared for their opponents.
“We don’t defeat anyone,” the human says. “Your immune systems are apparently made of pastry. You folks are making the preppers and survivalists sad because you front like Kzinti but are actually Martians and die if someone sneezes on you.”
Skirat considers the implication of “immune systems made of pastry.” Humans must have a stronger immune system. And it would therefore follow that they needed a stronger immune system. (He feels a little unnerved about the species named because he’s never heard of them. Had these humans wiped out two galactic species? Later he will learn that they’re fictional and be embarrassed.) “Is it important that these ‘preppers and survivalists’ not be sad?” Skirat asks.
“Well they really want to justify being homicidal assholes, and being invaded by homicidal assholes is the best way to do that apparently?” The human says in a tone that is unmistakably cheerful. “They continue to be disappointed that we haven’t been either conquered or blasted to kingdom come.”
Skirat takes some offense (feeling there is some distinction between being a homicidal asshole and a soldier) but asks, “disappointed that you haven’t been destroyed?”
“Believe me Admiral, you don’t want to know,” the human says with a sigh. “Any way, so far every empire that’s invaded has gotten sick from bacteria, viruses and occasionally fungi, except for the poor guys who turned out to be deathly allergic to us. Once they realize they can’t invade we sign a compact and some treaties and open trade relations. Offworld medical technology has improved quality of life for millions,” the human says, sounding proud. “In exchange, we find cures for their diseases.”
Originally posted May 27 2021 on tumblr
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